myrebelcat

H1N1, the super-condensed version...

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:33:11 GMT

Both my children (grades 7 and 8) have been studying the H1N1 flu virus ever since starting school last week. I assume it's some sort of effort on the school's part to make their learning relevant to the real world.

My llyo son has an LD that makes writing by hand very difficult, so periodically I will find his homework saved on my desktop.

This is what I discovered today...

h1n1 - the horrors!!!

Both flues are similar in the way that they both effect mainly during the fall season and the winter season and they have a similar structure in DNA. They are also similar in the ways that they are spread through coughs and sneezes. They can also be transferred through contact of skin through things that are carrying the virus, like people or pigs. But they are very different in the ways that it can do to your body. As both flu’s cause fevers, sore throat, and a bad cough, h1n1 causes respiratory problems so some people must have a tube stuck down their throat.

;-)

E.H and I have spawned!

Fri, 29 May 2009 22:10:49 GMT

Who ever said two women can't reproduce? Our evil hive mind has taken on a life of her own. And the fact that we've named her is in no way psychotic.

Besides, if "Victoria Dunn" wasn't real, how could she ever have created her very own blog?

Her blog is the happy result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage knit and crochet patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. Not only that, but she's foolishly agreed to transcribe the complete instructions for the monstrosities that she's ridiculing.

Check out what Victoria Dunn's up to here:

Handmade by Mother - So You Damn Well Better Wear It!

Feedback... Hey, it's actually Friday!

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:08:17 GMT

I know I promised elizabethhelena that I would write a fan letter to Daisy Duke AKA Catherine Bach, but this past week I was inspired to write to a completely different person.

Dear Mr. Gaiman,

I want to say thank you for “The Graveyard Book”. Your novel has given me one of my happiest moments as a parent.

My 11yo son, (blank), has never had any interest in reading novels. He can read well, if slowly, and I’ve never been able to tell whether his strong preference for gaming magazines, comic books, and “How to Survive Zombie Invasion” manuals was a function of his diagnosed learning disability or simply a personal quirk.

I bought “The Graveyard Book” for myself to read on a family trip. While we were on the plane, I offered my book to my son. I’ve done this frequently, though never with any success before now. After flipping through the first few pages of my book, my son would inevitably decide that he was better off staring out the window.

This time, however, he continued reading! Not only that, but he read in our hotel room and in the rental car. He even read at his great grandmother’s house, with all the cousins around. He finished “The Graveyard Book” over the course of five very focused and determined days. I almost didn’t get a chance to read it myself, as he had it in his possession the entire trip. I had to steal it from his pillow while he was sleeping.

When we got home he took his own money and went to the bookstore. He bought Coraline, read it, and then lent it to a classmate. (And actually, I’m a bit ticked about that as I’d already asked him if I could read it when he was done.)

Then last night I offered to put on a National Geographic documentary for him. He skipped over Ghosts and Big Foot and Aliens, and specifically asked if he could watch one on the Da Vinci Code. And when the show was over he went and got the book off the shelf, and started reading it!

Now, I found the Da Vinci Code boring (and possibly inappropriate for 11yos), so I also gave him my copy of Good Omens. He was delighted. He’s taken Good Omens to school this morning, to read on the bus.

Thank you! I’ve been a fan of yours since before you autographed my copy of “Season of Mists” back in 1992, and I’m thrilled to see my son enjoying your books now, too.

Yours sincerely,

Etc...

For the record, I don't write many fan letters outside the internet. I've had bad experiences with them. The first one I ever sent resulted in a (very kind) letter back from the deceased author's estate. True, Robert A. Heinlein had been dead for almost two years, but I didn't know that. It was a bit of a shock, so I was quite careful to make sure the next author I wrote to was still alive before I sent my letter.

Unfortunately, Lucy M. Boston died a week later. Which as she was nearly a hundred shouldn't have been a surprise, but still I began to wonder if I was somehow wielding death with a pen. I mulled over the possibility of sending a letter to Isaac Asimov, but decided I'd better not. He was old too, and I didn't want to take the chance that if I wrote to him he'd keel over on the spot (he lasted two years past Ms. Boston, as it turns out).

So, if something unfortunate happens to Mr. Gaiman in the next couple of weeks (he is happily young and healthy, as far as I know), I solemnly swear I will never write another snail-mail letter to anyone ever again.

;-)

Rebel

Spam is getting scarier...

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:52:23 GMT

This one arrived in my junk folder titled, "Take an extra 20% off!"

Off what, I wondered. Off my mortgage? Off my total net worth?

Nope, it's offering to take 20% off my penis!

"Erectile dysfunction walks away using our Levitra.
Have you heard about the new technologies in anesthesia?
Everything has its beginning and its end. Take a debilitant and chill out!"

I'm concerned that these people want to hurt my penis. Which makes me awfully glad I'm a girl. Because apparently their treatment for erectile dysfunction involves anesthesia. And a debilitant, which I can only assume debilitates you, so you can't chase after them and demand to know what they've done to your (now 20% reduced) penis.

On the other hand, they did warn you. Everything has its end. Including your penis.

SQUEEEE!!!

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 22:05:54 GMT

I'm a Real Writer!

One of my - non-fanfic - short stories just got accepted for publication in On Spec, some time in the indeterminate future. Which means everyone should totally buy the magazine for the next year and try to guess which story is mine.

One of them will be mine. Honest!

I know that's true, because they sent me a contract, and they're giving me money, and a subscription, and everything!

Whee!

This kid is hilarious... :-)

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 01:53:08 GMT

It seems my 11yo son never just gets a cold - he gets horribly, horribly ill. But there's still always moments that make us laugh.

This afternoon, for example, he was in the bathroom coughing up a lung. When he staggered out, he announced that every time he spat up it, "hurts both my ribs and my crotch."

EH, sitting at our computer, looked up and said mildly, "Sweetie, next time the word you want to use is 'groin'. It hurts my ribs and my groin.'"

Immediately on the defensive, the boy replied, "I'm really sick! You have your mental illness, and I'm really sick!"

To my immense admiration, EH somehow managed not to laugh. We saved that for later, when he couldn't hear us.

Clearly we need to give him more slack, when it comes to his lexicon. At least until he's feeling better. ;-)

Flashback to the Seventies!

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:40:12 GMT

I've been on a cleaning/organizing binge lately, and yesterday I found a bunch of old family photos.

Check it out!

The sweater vest, the paisley shirt, the mustache! That's my dad. He still plays in a band. :-D

This is my mom. That dress is just - wow. Yellow, blue, sunflower things... and ruffles! More about the ruffles in a moment. Neither of my parents knit, so the blue thing I'm wearing must have been a gift from someone.

This is me, NOT in my happy place. What was it with the seventies and ruffles? They stuck them on everything! Notice how all the furniture is textured. Back then, in the pre-internet dark age, people obviously suffered from a critical lack of visual stimulation. In an attempt to remedy the situation they resorted to decorating every available surface with clashing patterns. Hard times. Hard times.

My happy place! Not only am I frolicking in a graveyard, I've even managed to rip off the ruffled bonnet they stuck on my head.

My choice of playgrounds might also explain this next picture from the very end of the eighties...

Look at me! All grown up and carrying a rifle. Adorable. ;-)

My son versus his French teacher...

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:16:31 GMT

There's a war going on between the French teacher and most of his Grade 6 class this year. My son has been doing his part sowing the seeds of disorder by asking questions such as, "Why are we learning this?" "Are we ever going to need to know this stuff?" This morning I sent my son off to school with instructions to sit down and be quiet in French class.

"You want me to be nice to him," growled my son.

"No," I said, "You don't have to be nice to him. Just be quiet. Maybe you'll hear something you can use against him."

"I don't have to be quiet to hear that!" said my son. "He threatens students all the time, and I didn't think that was allowed!"

"What does he threaten you with?"

"He's gonna strangle us. We're all getting F's. We're all gonna be sent to a Turkish Prison..."

I couldn't help it. I started laughing. When I composed myself, I said, "Well, be quiet, and take notes. If you feel he's crossed a line with something he's said, you can write a letter of complaint to the principal." Then I had to ask, "Are you really afraid of Turkish prison?"

"They don't feed you there," said my son, earnestly.

ROFLOL! This is why my boy will never embark on a life of crime. He can't handle prison food.

Discovered in a boy's bedroom... ;-)

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:05:12 GMT

I was cleaning (AKA 'mucking out', 'excavating', etc...) my 10yo son's bedroom, when I found a scrap of paper crumpled up in the corner. He collects old machines and fixes them - this story was obviously typed on his "portable" manual typewriter. (I've transcribed it below the picture.)

"clack, clack, clack " went the writer's typewriter. Then a sudden "ding!" filled the room. Then he said "done". Then the doorbell rang. He opened the door only to find a note that said: "John dear, by the time you will be reading this, I'll be here". Then his wife pulled up in the driveway, and then he said, "Well, you're home early Rowan". They went inside and she looked at his work and said, "wow!" "This is pretty good," she said. They walked into the livingroom and had a long talk about him getting a job.

That's right, buddy. Get a real job!

;-)

The "n" word...

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:25:48 GMT

We were sitting around in the living room when an ad for Dr. Phil's new episode came on - all about the 'n' word. I looked at my twelve year old daughter and asked, "Do you know what the 'n' word is?"

She nodded emphatically. "Yes!"

"Okay," I said, "What is it?"

In a whisper, she spelled, "N-E-G-R-O!"

"What?" I said.

"N-E-G-R-O?" asked the kid, uncertainly.

"Did she just say 'negro'?" said EH.

"I think she said 'negro!'" said my husband.

Poor kid, she couldn't understand why we all laughed. There was a bit of confusion as we tried to figure out how to tell her the real 'n' word. EH suggested we could spell it. But her father was very brave and decided he'd tell her right out loud.

He said the 'n' word.

My daughter looked blank.

I said, "You've never heard that word before, have you?"

Nope, she sure hadn't.

"Well, just remember, the only folks who have any right to say it are folks who are black. And that's not you."

She nodded a whole bunch, wide-eyed.

Too funny!

Look, it's me!

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 18:07:36 GMT

I spent entirely too long playing with Face Your Manga this afternoon. It's a fun little avatar creator that lets you see what you'd look like if you were a manga cartoon character, similar to the South Park Avatar creator, etc. I was tempted to include the middle finger gesture in my pic, but decided the skull on my t-shirt makes me look rebellious enough. (I really do have skull t-shirts - two of them!)

The website's English is only mildly fractured. Under "Hairs" you are allowed to choose "Short" or "Long" - hee! My inner seven year old loved sniggering over "short hairs". And the error messages are in a language I don't recognize - Spanish? Portuguese? Italian? Look, if it's not English or French, I'm totally lost. But I know enough to recognize when I'm being told the server's busy.

The options are somewhat limited still - why only one option under "ears"? Why can't I make my features bigger/smaller, or narrow the width of my face, or change the colour of my lips to anything other than pukey-pink? But I'm planning on visiting again next year and seeing what they've made of the site.

Oh - and it's totally free. For some odd reason they ask you to pay for a download, but not until after they've already e-mailed you your picture in a .jpg file. I'm assuming the one you pay for is a higher resolution, but who need a gigantic cartoon avatar to print out? Now if they were offering to put it on a Cafe-press t-shirt for me... ;-)

My daughter wants to get published...

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:17:51 GMT

She found a magazine that specializes in publishing children's work, and drafted a letter. Then she asked me to read it.

There's no salutation, signature, or contact info (she'll definitely have to add those in before she puts this in the mail).

My name is ________, and I am twelve years old. I am sending you two poems that I am rather proud of. I have other poems and they are somewhere on the computer, but I am not sure exactly where. I do not expect you to publish both of my poems, I just want you to consider them (and to spell my name right. That's ________, no 'k', no 'h'.)

I won't post the actual poems this time, since who knows? There's a chance they might get published if the editor stops laughing long enough to read them.

;-)

Busted!

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:32:32 GMT

Kit Kittredge (not the U.N.C.L.E. Agent), was apprehended recently trying to smuggle rum into Prince Edward Island, where as of 1934, Prohibition has yet to be repealed.

Please take a moment to admire her dress. It was hand-crocheted, using this pattern as the basis for the design. A silk-like lining was added to meet 1930's standards for modesty. The shocked look in her eyes is clearly because she never expected Anne of Green Gables to turn out to be a stoolie.

"Face the wall and spread 'em!" A life of crime never pays.

Luckily, good fashion sense is worth far more than filthy lucre. Kit's dress is buttoned up the back with pearl-like beads.

Remember kids, don't try this at home. The rum-running, that is. Crocheting is still legal, to the best of our knowledge.

Grade Five Science - Puberty!

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:35:37 GMT

My 10yo son was a little shocked and a lot amused when they showed the class what he described as an "eighties video" about puberty. I'm hoping it was filmed more recently than the eighties, but he definitely picked up on out-of-date hairstyles and clothes.

Now all the kids are talking sex. During recess a boy in my son's class showed him what he said was a "Chinese Sex Ed" book, but the drawing of an erect penis was pointing directly up at the standing man's chin. My son said, "I don't think that's possible. Is that even possible, Mom?"

"Er... no, sweetie. Gravity usually has it pointing in a more... forward position."

And apparently on the bus, some older boy told him that HIS class saw a woman put a condom on a wooden statue of a man.

"Can you believe that??" said my son.

"Well... when I was a kid, they used bananas to demonstrate how condoms go on."

"No, I mean, it was a WOMAN!"

"What do you mean?"

"It should have been a man."

"You mean," I said, somewhat confused. "They should have had a man putting the condom on the statue?"

"Yeah!"

Bad mommy - the first thing out of my mouth was, "Isn't that gay?" Followed by, "Not that that would be a problem, or anything, but most of your class is probably heterosexual."

Actually, as it turned out, it hadn't occurred to him that the statue might be another guy. He figured it was for practice. So, I pointed out that it was probably good for a girl to know how condoms go on, too, just in case her boyfriend was clueless in the bedroom.

He seemed happy with that!

Me, I'm just amazed at all the sex in Grade 5. I don't remember covering any of these topics in school until Grade 8!

I'm tackling a new challenge!

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 21:21:04 GMT

Since I'm very close to finishing my 30_lemons challenge, I decided I'd try tackling the 30_deathfics challenge!

I've been assured that the death in this challenge can be metaphorical, so even though Starsky's my main character, I plan to kill off all sorts of stuff besides just him. His car, Hutch's plants, their combined hopes and dreams - nothing's safe!

Just like with my lemons, I want to have a good mix of slash and gen, humor and angst.

30_deathfics Themes

01.	Regret	02.	Passion	03.	Nightime	04.	Jewel	05.	Betrayal
06.	Innocence	07.	Flowers	08.	Fear	09.	Honor	10.	Suicide
11.	Illusion	12.	Fate	13.	Lies	14.	Lust	15.	Apathy
16.	Envy	17.	Redemption	18.	Pity	19.	Sharp	20.	Memory
21.	Cold	22.	Resemblance	23.	Solitude	24.	Weakness	25.	Blood
26.	Fire	27.	Tight	28.	Beauty	29.	Teacher	30.	Goodbye

How to confuse kids in Pakistan...

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:11:25 GMT

Dawn is "Pakistan's most widely circulated English language newspaper", and every week they publish Young World, a magazine for kids. My mother brought back a huge stack when she came home to Canada, and my kids have been reading them with great pleasure. There are cute little stories (with morals), cartoons, poems, and discussions on various issues concerning kids (such as lying, bullies, consumerism, etc).

However, some of the scientific information included in these papers is... surprising.

On May 24, 2008, "Young World" published an article titled "Amazing Facts". Let's take a look at these "facts"...

1. In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes into contact with a cola drink.

Considering how astronaut food is packaged and prepared, it is highly unlikely a frozen pea would ever accidentally come into contact with a cola drink while in a weightless environment. So we are being asked to believe that an astronaut *deliberately* introduced a frozen pea into his cola beverage. How? Did he stuff it down the straw into the drink box? Regardless, I decided to test this here on Earth. A frozen pea, dropped into Coca Cola, does not explode. Every now and then it bobs to the top of the glass, but that's it. I can't imagine it'd behave very differently in zero gravity (except it would not bob as the bubbles of carbonation would remain static).

2. The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.

We like to blame humans for everything, don't we? The BBC's got a better take on this one: Is the Earth preparing to flip? In short - not any time soon. Yes, the poles might reverse (not end up in Kansas), but it'll take thousands of years, if it happens at all. Sorry, modern technology ain't quite *that* awesomely destructive.

3. Smearing a small amount of dog faeces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.

You know, this sounds like a GREAT way to introduce all kinds of nasty bacteria into your bloodstream (hey kids, can you say *e coli*?). I sincerely hope no one who read this article actually tried it.

4. The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down it it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.

Actually the wings probably *wouldn't* sheer off. The Straight Dope has a a good article on this.

5. Scuba divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.

It seems to me that if you are at a depth where your lungs can take in and expel air from a tank, then your digestive system should still be able to move a gas bubble down and out. Those are some pretty powerful muscles!

6. Catfish are the only animal that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.

Who's been counting catfish whiskers??? I tried counting one of my cats' whiskers, but frankly it's impossible to tell all the true whiskers apart from the long hairs on her furry little face. Given how many different species of animal there are in the world, I have a hard time believing we've conclusively counted ALL their whiskers, and found them all to be even.

7. Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.

Well, if someone shipped 86 VERY tiny penguins up from the South Pole and fed them to a polar bear in the North Pole... that'd still be one over-stuffed bear. I have visions of that fat man from the Monty Python skit playing the part of the bear and the penguin-procurer acting the part of the maitre d' holding out a bird and saying, "Just one more! It's wafer thin!"

8. You 'can' get blood from a stone, but only if it contains at least 17 percent bauxite.

Bauxite is red clay. If you mash it up or dissolve it, what you get it red mud. Not blood.

9. Approximately one sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.

Wouldn't it be more likely to be one seventh?

10. The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

Uh... Wrong!

11. Because printed materials are being relaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.

Stacking books to the ceiling ain't gonna save a library from getting its roof torn off by a tornado. Really, most buildings don't fly away intact like Dorothy's. Heck, they ain't even sinking!

12. In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

I don't think this one even deserves comment.

13. The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.

According to the NYT, the F-117's "43-foot wingspan displays an electronic cross-section the size of a bumblebee." Which is not quite the same thing. But considering that scientist HAVE been studying insect flight with regards to aerodynamics, I think this one could actually be true, at least in a general sense. Shocking, isn't it?

14. Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.

I guarantee you my saliva will boil LONG before it hits three hundred degrees. So will my blood. And my eye liquids. And everything else in me. Yikes!

15. Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than a three-hour baseball game.

Only because I spent 59 minutes of the soap clawing at the door, begging them to let me out.

16. You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.

I predict a very dull pencil sharpener, stuffed with shredded aluminum foil.

17. Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.

Sorry, urine does not burn. Dried water buffalo dung on the other hand is an excellent source of fuel.

18. At the first World Cup championship in Uruguay 1930, the soccer balls were actually monkey skulls wrapped in paper and leather.

This rumor sounds like sour grapes on the part of Argentina, since they lost when Uruguay switched to using their own ball in the second half. You can see a picture of it here. I doubt there's a monkey skull stuffed inside!

19. Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas.

I'll have to ask the next English-speaking Labrador retriever I meet!

20. If you put a been in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.

Actually, all you'll get is a righteously ticked off bee. Bees make honey. They don't poop it out their butts.

21. Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow our your eyeballs.

I remember this one from when I was a kid! Tried it, and my eyeballs are still firmly in place. Apple seeds won't grow in your stomach and send branches out your ears, either.

22. When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five gold Krugerrands in his small intestine.

False, and possibly libelous when you think about what an urban legend like this one would be intended to "prove" about the man.

23. Aardvarks are allergic to radishes, but only during summer months.

Wow. Just... wow.

24. If you part your hair on the right side you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian.

Hey, phrenology is alive and well!

25. When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby.

Actually dead sparrows just float, like any other dead animal.

26. Manatees possess vocal chords which give them ability to speak like humans, but they don't do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.

Actually manatees have NO vocal cords, and they can hear quite well. Is this a holdover from the "manatees are mermaids" myth?

27. Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.

I'll bet it's difficult! Especially after all you've got left are two small piles of crumbs.

28. Napoleon's favorite type of wood was knotty chestnut.

I don't see any way to verify this one, short of raising Napoleon's ghost and asking him.

29. The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

Googling "world's smartest pig" turns up Nellie, who is a gymnast, not a math whiz. However, mathematically gifted animals are a staple of circuses and town fairs, going back hundreds of years. They learn to read non-verbal signals from their owner - either purposeful or accidental - which indicate to them the correct answer. Real animal mathematicians are a lot more interesting!

Compiled by Nabeel Hasan, who apparently believes everything he reads.

And in case anyone thinks this newspaper article was always meant to be tongue-in-cheek, there's a letter to the editor in the front of the same issue of Young World that's worth reading...

This is in response to the article on water (YW May 3). The information was quiet interesting specially for dieting enthusiasts. I would like to share a piece of useful information: avoid drinking chilled water. you must be making awful expressions by now. I know it's really hard to live without cold water in such scorching heat but chilled water sort of freezes the fats due to which fat dissolving rate becomes less. So drink moderate water neither very cold nor very hot, just normal water, this tip would surely help you all in getting slim and smart

Ayesha Asif
Karachi

There was no editorial comment or rebuttal included with the letter.

Fact checker? What is this... fact checker? ;-)

So here's hoping Pakistani kids are smarter than the folks writing magazines for them!

My son, the class clown...

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:18:26 GMT

My 10yo son was assigned an essay describing how food travels through the human digestive system. Here's what he handed in...

Dear butcher

Hi, I’m Perry pepperoni from the town of Pizza and I’m J’s favorite food. I was minding my own business when there was a strong gale. Then the sun was very hot and part of Pizza was cut off and I blacked out. When I woke up I was in a very wet and spongy cave. I found a sign saying “J'S MOUTH. GIANT FUN RIDE” so I, Cherry cheese and Crag crust went down to check it out. We had no choice; we fell down after they turned the saliva on.

After we fell down the weird tube we saw a plaque saying that we fell down the esophagus and we are in the stomach. It also said that this is the last thing we will ever read. It was quiet in there. But then, out of nowhere are legs started burning up and the stomach was becoming smaller. The last thing I remember was a even longer tube called the” SMALL INTESTINE”. It felt like in there that my soul was being sucked out but really it was just my nutrients. I had a more fun time in a very big tube called the large intestine which was taking me to my final grave known as the rectum.

My friends are telling me that they found my body in a black lump. I am sending this letter for you from the sea of Toilet.

Sincerely, Perry

I eat big dogs for breakfast!

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:34:40 GMT

While I was out walking my dog with EH last night, a pitbull and a pitbull-mix broke out of their yard and charged us. They literally broke right through a latched gate!

They were clearly after my dog, because EH says they ignored her completely. And I'm sure it didn't help either that my little dog (11 kilos, slightly chubby spaniel/poodle cross) threw herself to the end of her leash and began screaming in a high-pitched strangled kind of way. She couldn't have looked or sounded more like prey if she'd tried.

I stepped into their path, pointed at them and said, "HEY!"

They both swung off to either side of me and started circling, which left me turning around, trying to stare down both of them at the same time. Every time I confronted one, it'd veer off, but then the second one would come in from the other side, trying to get at my dog from behind.

It was a very tense thirty seconds or so, but then the dogs' owners showed up. Each of the guys grabbed one dog and took off with it.

I'm very proud of myself. No one's eating MY dog for dinner, if I can help it!

Oh... I'm a bad mother!

Thu, 15 May 2008 20:51:20 GMT

The boy (10) talked me into coming and picking him up from school a few weeks ago. But as soon as we stepped outside the school building he was skipping over puddles, completely fine. He wasn't deliberately trying to trick me, but the upshot was that his problem was mainly anxiety, which was - of course - relieved as soon as he was out of school.

And then he called several times more during the next week, expecting me to be waiting by the phone, ready to drop everything and come pick him up! Precedent is everything with this kid, and it looked like I'd inadvertently set a bad one. Even his teacher refused to let him call me one day.

So... when he called today and his first words were, "Come pick me up!" I told him to cowboy up and stick it out for the rest of the day. He told me his legs were wobbly. He had a fever. He felt weak.

But that was exactly what he said last time! So, no. No, I told him. I will not pick you up. If you're really sick, you can stay home tomorrow. And as I hang up I'm making plans to put the boy to work if he chooses to stay home. That essay for school. Scrubbing the toilet. Yard work.

A few hours later he gets off the bus and says to me, "Next time, please be more sympathetic." I touch his forehead and what do you know?

He really DOES have a fever! And it's even one of those baked-child excessively high fevers.

The guilt!

Much excitement today!

Thu, 01 May 2008 21:58:08 GMT

I knew something was up the moment my kids got off the bus. They both looked like they were bursting to tell me something. My 10yo son shoved his way up the stairs in front of his 12yo sister. He had that freaky kind of smile he only gets when he’s really upset about something.

“I’m angry at the school system!” announces the boy. "They didn't do anything about N. and now he's even worse!"

"N" is the boy who was creating problems on the bus the week before last, the one they put together the petition about. Apparently he spent this last bus ride hitting my son.

I told the kids to write down what happened right away, before they forgot. This is what my daughter came up with:

On Thursday, may first, when J. and I were riding the bus home from school, N. came to the back of the bus where we were sitting, and started threatening J. I was sitting two seats behind them, so I couldn’t see N., but I could see J. through the crack between the seats and the wall. N. came and sat down next to J. I heard him say “J., how old are you?” J. replied “10.” Then N. said “If you want to see your next birthday, leave me alone.” I could see J.’s body shaking back and forth. Whenever J. tried to talk after that, I could see him shake back and forth again. After N. got off, J. told me that N. had been hitting him, slapping him, and shaking him.

N. has been rude to other people on the bus, and bullied them. We, (J. and I) had started a petition to get N. off the bus, and had talked to the vice principal about his behavior.

And from my son:

Hi, I’m j. an I’m outraged (he originally wrote "pissed off") at the law system in the (name of) School because yesterday on the bus right after a. left the bus N. came and sat down in front of me and tried to hit me and I blocked but then he just started twisting my arm. Then he moved again and sat next to me and started hitting very painfully at my shoulder. When I started to talk he kept hitting me and right after that he asked me how old I was and I said 10. Then he said “if you want to see your next birthday then leave me alone.” I tried to respond but he just started hitting me again.

N. has had a record of scaring and hitting another girl on the bus and we made a petition to get him off the bus. But, all it did was get the vice principal to tell him “N., can you stop yelling on the bus?” So it didn’t really do anything.

The reason I’m telling you this is that I just want N. off the bus.

He's going to print both letters out and take them to the vice principal tomorrow. I believe their father is also going to want to talk to the school.

My daughter told me, “I’m proud of the way J. kept his cool. He didn’t start yelling at N., he just stayed calm.”

And my son added, “You know how I did it? A year of being pummeled on the playground...”

“You mean by your buddies in class?” I interrupted.

“Yeah," said my son. "We pummel each other for fun. As I said, one year of being pummeled on the playground and also ten years at home being patient!”

I guess he has needed a lot of patience growing up in this household. ;-)

Update on the latest political activism...

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 23:13:24 GMT

I do like my son's teacher! Apparently she read his letter aloud to the whole class today, just editing out J.'s name as the instigator. And then, according to my son, she explained a bit to the class about "gay not being a bad thing" - as he puts it.

I asked him how the other kids reacted. He says they mostly didn't react at all, while J. just looked innocent. His teacher told the class she'd look at the video tonight, and decide then whether the class should see it. I told my son not to get his hopes too high, since it could be perceived as being critical of certain Christians. But we'll see!

Another boy - K. - cornered my son after class and asked who had been saying the mean things in his letter. My son, not being the most tactful person on the world, didn't hesitate to tell him it was J.

And buddy of his cycled over for a visit this afternoon. The first thing they did was watch the video on YouTube. Then they played Destroy All Humans on the Wii. ;-)

More political activism!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:44:54 GMT

Just when I thought I couldn't get any prouder of the boy, he came home today, sat down at the computer, wrote a letter and printed it out to give to his teacher. This is it...

Miss h.,

I want to show the class a video about being gay because of this:

Yesterday at lunch recess A. was joking about if Michel Jackson was in a video game and J. again said that A. was gay and that if we came in contact with him or something he touched we might become gay to so we had to be “decontaminated” or we might become gay too. I didn’t really like this because it’s not a bad thing to be gay and really, you can’t help it.

And the reason I want the whole class to see this because nobody told him about the real reasons or it’s not a bad thing and they all just played along

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKExZKfgx9s

Link to video so you can see first (but a have it on DVD at my house so I can lend it to you)

(signed)

Isn't he awesome? (His big sister helped with his spelling, whenever spellcheck let him down.)

Sometimes kids are such... kids!

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 20:34:35 GMT

Each of them put a copy of the petition in their backpack this morning. I wished them luck, and waved goodbye.

My son promptly lost his copy, somewhere between the front door of the house and the front steps of the school bus (about three meters distance in total). He figured it was gone for good, until the end of the day when he discovered it crumpled up in the bottom of his pack. Deciding it was too late to get any signatures, he gave the petition, with just his and his sister's names on it, to the Vice Principal. The Vice Principal said he'd look into it.

Meanwhile my daughter forgot about her copy of the petition completely, and then when she remembered felt too embarrassed to show it to anyone. She brought her copy of the petition home, untouched.

Kids!

This should be interesting!

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:35:30 GMT

My 10yo son just wrote up a petition for the other kids on the bus to sign.

Hi, I am making a petition to get a guy named N., who is on bus XX, off the bus, because he had done all of the following:

* Hit other students on the bus
* Scared students on the bus
* Stood up and walked around, while the bus was moving
* Sworn at other students on the bus
* Insulted other students on the bus

I asked what got him up all in arms about it today (as opposed to any other day this year) and he said that N. had scared a girl on the bus.

"Well," said my daughter. "She IS in sixth grade. But she's..." My daughter paused, obviously not sure how to describe this sixth grade girl.

"Delicate," replied my son. "She's delicate!"

He's printed out two copies. One is going to his teacher and the other is going to the principal. I can't wait to see how this turns out! :-D

A lesson in "Life is Unfair"...

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 13:33:12 GMT

My son's grade 5 class is doing an exercise in public speaking. My 10yo son was told that whatever topic he picks should be topical and entertaining to the other students. He joked about doing a speech on Elliot Spitzer and the Emperor's Club, but then said, "Well, I could talk about how my dog humps my cat. I bet they'd be interested in that!"

(I believe our female dog was, at that moment, ravishing the cat.)

I wasn't sure, but since parent-teacher interviews were the next day, I said I'd ask. I did, the teacher laughed, and actually said it was fine! So I went back and told my son it was all go, but that to make it a proper speech he should look into the science of the dog's behavior.

He researched on-line, and came up with this outline to submit to his teacher:

Why dogs hump cats

Outline by ----

My dog humps one of my cats so I wanted to find out the reasons and I found several:

Not mating (no little puppins)

Dominance: my dog may just be attempting to dominate my cat and she doesn’t know that the cat has no idea what she means. And also my cat is very submissive so he doesn’t do anything to stop it.

Other:

Some girl dogs have more testosterone than others.
Estrogen suppresses the testosterone and makes them act like girls so
After they get spayed they have less Estrogen so they act like boys.

I got data from: http://www.vetinfo4dogs.com/dhump.html

Yesterday I got a call from his teacher. Apparently the guidelines say a student's topic must be "appropriate". And "Why dogs hump cats" is not appropriate. The teacher apologized for the confusion, explaining that she thought we were joking and never imagined that he seriously wanted this as a topic. She also said that she'd gone and asked the vice principal if it would be okay, and he said no way. Apparently he's afraid that kids will go home and tell their parents about my son's speech and the parents will get upset.

The really sad thing about all this was that my son has a learning disability that makes written expression extremely difficult. He worked long and hard on this outline.

And now the poor kid has to start all over!

(I have a feeling that "puritanical attitudes towards natural behavior" would not be considered an "appropriate" topic, either.)